Have you ever felt betrayed by someone you trusted? Maybe your partner cheated on you, your friend lied to you, or your parent abused you. Betrayal can cause immense pain and emotional distress, but it can also lead to lasting trauma that affects your self-esteem, mental health, and relationships.
This article will help you understand the fear of betrayal, its causes, effects, and solutions. You will also learn how to cope and start to heal.
What is betrayal, and why do we fear it so much?
Betrayal trauma is a term coined by U.S. psychologist and author Jennifer Freyd to describe the specific type of trauma that occurs when someone we depend on for support or protection violates our trust and basic needs. Betrayal trauma can have significant and lasting effects on our mental and physical health and relationships.
This type of trauma can lead to various symptoms and mental health conditions, such as:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Trust and other relationship problems
- Substance abuse
- Eating disorders
- Difficulty concentrating
- Emotional dysregulation
But why do we fear betrayal so much?
Examining the root causes of fear of betrayal
The fear of betrayal is a sense of being harmed by a trusted person’s intentional actions or omissions. It can happen in any relationship between friends, siblings, lovers, or caregivers. But why do we fear betrayal so much?
Betrayal violates our expectations and beliefs about how people should treat us. We trust people to meet our needs and respect our boundaries; when they don’t, we feel hurt, angry, confused, or ashamed.
Betrayal threatens our survival and safety. We depend on people to provide us with love, protection, and support, and when they betray us, we feel vulnerable and insecure.
Past trauma, such as childhood abuse or infidelity, can cause someone to fear betrayal and experience deep trust issues.
How to recognize signs of potential betrayal
Betrayal can be brutal to detect because it often comes from someone we trust and love. However, some signs may indicate a person is planning to betray us or has already done so. Some of these signs are:
Changes in behavior: The person betraying us may act differently than usual. They may become more distant, secretive, defensive, or aggressive. They may also avoid eye contact, lie, or make excuses for their actions.
Lack of empathy: They may show little concern for our feelings, needs, or well-being, blame us for their problems, criticize us, or invalidate our emotions.
Broken promises: Our betrayers may fail to keep their promises or commitments. They may also change their plans frequently without explanation or consultation.
Negative communication: The person betraying us may use negative communication patterns such as sarcasm, insults, threats, or manipulation. They may also avoid communicating with us altogether or give us silent treatment.
Loss of trust: We may feel uneasy around them, doubt their honesty and loyalty, or question their motives.
If we notice these signs in our relationships with romantic partners, we should not ignore them or dismiss them as paranoia. We should try to communicate with the person who is betraying us, seek support from others, and protect ourselves from further harm.
Coping with feelings of betrayal
Betrayal can cause emotional pain and distress, but it is possible to cope and heal from it. Some steps that can help you cope with betrayal and fear include the following coping mechanisms.
Acknowledge your feelings: Admit your feelings and don’t suppress or deny your emotions. Betrayal can trigger anger, sadness, guilt, shame, fear, or confusion. It is important to allow yourself to feel and express these emotions healthily. This can help you reduce emotional dysregulation and cope with difficult emotions.
Avoid acting impulsively: Avoid doing things that you may regret later or that may harm yourself or others. Betrayal can make you feel like taking revenge, confronting the person who betrayed you, or ending the relationship abruptly. However, these actions may not solve anything and only worsen things. It is better to take some time to calm down and think things through before making any decisions. This can help you prevent future betrayals and protect your well-being.
Work through the pain: You may need some space and distance from the person who betrayed you or from the situation that caused the betrayal to do this. You can also seek professional help from a therapist or counselor if you feel overwhelmed or stuck. This can help you heal from betrayal trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which are common mental health issues that result from experiencing trauma such as childhood trauma, sexual abuse, intimate partner violence, or other forms of emotional abuse.
Write in a journal: Keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings can help you identify what you’re going through and bring them to the surface. Journaling is also beneficial if you feel overwhelmed.
Rebuild your trust: Betrayal can damage your self-esteem and make you doubt your own judgment and worthiness. It can also make you wary of trusting others again or forming new relationships. You need to develop a positive self-image, a strong sense of identity, and healthy coping skills to overcome this. You can also seek out new relationships based on mutual respect, honesty, and care.
Understanding the cycle of betrayal trauma
Betrayal trauma is a term that describes the emotional impact of having your trust or well-being violated by someone you depend on. It can happen in any relationship but is especially common in attachment relationships, such as parents and children or romantic relationships between partners.
Betrayal trauma can create a cycle of lingering pain that has four stages:
- Trust: You trust someone to meet your needs and respect your boundaries. You feel safe and secure with them.
- Betrayal: The person you trust violates your trust or well-being. They may lie to, cheat, abuse, neglect, or manipulate you. You feel hurt, angry, confused, or ashamed.
- Denial: You try to ignore or minimize the betrayal because you fear losing the relationship or facing the consequences. You may rationalize their behavior or blame yourself for it. You may also forget or repress some aspects of the betrayal.
- Reconciliation: You try to restore the relationship by forgiving or appeasing the person who betrayed you. You hope they will change their behavior and treat you better. You may also avoid confronting them or setting boundaries with them.
The toxic cycle of infidelity and betrayal can keep you stuck in an unhealthy, abusive relationship that erodes your self-worth and happiness. It can also make it harder for you to trust others in the future.
Other sources state that the four stages of betrayal trauma include the following:
- Shock. This is when you feel like the person who’s betraying you feels like a stranger. You feel you can’t trust them and perhaps even yourself, such as if you believed their lies.
- Resentment/desire for revenge. You feel immense loss and anger during this stage and might entertain revenge fantasies.
- Grief. Sadness strikes, and you might feel like you’re grieving the relationship or the harm done to you.
- Healing/rebirth. By showing yourself kindness and love, you’ll start to heal and improve your self-image and self-esteem.
How can you break free from the cycle of betrayal and its impact on mental health?
If you have experienced abuse or betrayal trauma, here are some steps to help you heal and move on.
Seek support: Reach out to people who can support you emotionally. This may include friends, family members, therapists, counselors, support groups, or other betrayal trauma survivors.
Set boundaries: Protect yourself from further harm by setting clear and healthy boundaries with the person who betrayed you. This may mean limiting contact with them, ending the relationship altogether, or taking legal action if necessary.
Process your emotions: Work through your emotions and heal from the trauma. This may involve talking about your experience with someone you trust, writing about it, or engaging in activities that help you express and release your feelings.
Breaking free from the cycle of betrayal is not easy, but it is possible with time, effort, and support.
Strategies for preventing future betrayals
Betrayal can be devastating and hard to recover from, but it is possible to prevent future betrayals by taking proactive steps. Some of these steps are:
Choose your relationships wisely: Look for people with integrity, honesty, and respect for you and others. Avoid people with a history of lying, cheating, or abusing others.
Communicate your expectations: Let your partner or other significant people know what you expect from them and what they can expect from you regarding fidelity, loyalty, honesty, and support. Also, listen to their expectations and try to meet them as much as possible.
Set healthy boundaries: Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself and others on acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Boundaries help you protect your well-being, values, and needs. They also help you respect the well-being, values, and needs of others.
Resolve conflicts constructively: Avoid blaming, criticizing, or attacking the other person. Instead, use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. Try to understand the other person’s perspective and find a solution for both of you.
Seek professional help if needed: A therapist or counselor can help you heal from the trauma of betrayal and rebuild your trust in yourself and others.
Preventing future betrayals is difficult, but it is possible with awareness, effort, and support.
CBT therapy to treat people with a severe fear of betrayal
CBT therapy is a type of psychotherapy that can help people with a severe fear of betrayal overcome their phobia and improve their quality of life. CBT therapy involves two main components: cognitive and behavioral.
The cognitive component helps people identify and challenge their negative thoughts and beliefs about betrayal, such as “Everyone will betray me eventually” or “I can’t trust anyone.”
The behavioral component helps people face their fear gradually and systematically by exposing them to situations that trigger their anxiety, such as talking to a new person or being alone with their partner. Exposure therapy helps them learn that their fear is irrational and exaggerated and that they can cope with it effectively.
CBT therapy can have several benefits, such as:
- Reducing anxiety and distress related to betrayal.
- Enhancing self-esteem and confidence.
- Improving interpersonal skills and relationships.
- Increasing trust in oneself and others.
- Preventing future betrayals by choosing trustworthy partners.
CBT therapy for fear of betrayal is an evidence-based treatment that can help people overcome symptoms of their phobia and live more happily and securely.
Cost comparison between online therapy and in-person therapy for CBT
| BetterHelp | In-person therapy |
| $65 to $100 per week (one live session per week, unlimited messaging) | $100 to $200 per session |
| $240 and $360 monthly Get 15% off for Healthy Minded visitors |
Conclusion
Fear of betrayal is a common and understandable reaction to traumatic events that involve a trusted person violating our basic needs and expectations. Betrayal can cause emotional distress, trauma, and difficulty forming secure attachments. However, many forms of treatment can help us heal from betrayal and start trusting ourselves and others again.
These treatment approaches include cognitive-behavioral therapy, trauma-focused therapy, hypnotherapy, and self-compassion.
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