A guide to discernment counseling for couples

Discernment counseling is a form of counseling for couples considering divorce but unsure if it is the best option. It is especially helpful for couples with a “mixed agenda,” meaning that one partner wants to stay in the marriage while the other wants to leave.

In this article, we hope to answer some common discernment counseling questions, such as how it works, what to expect, and how it differs from marriage counseling and couples therapy. We’ll also feature its benefits and limitations and how to find a discernment counselor in your area.

Discernment counseling: How it works

Discernment counseling is a short-term intervention that lasts between one and five sessions. Each session is two hours long and involves individual and joint conversations with a counselor. The counselor’s role in the first and subsequent sessions is not to persuade the couple to stay together or to separate but to help them gain clarity and confidence about their decision based on a deeper and better understanding of their relationship and contributions to the problems they’re experiencing.

The main goal of discernment counseling in relationships is to help the couple choose one of three paths to move the relationship forward:

Path One: Stay in the marriage as it is and make no changes. This is also known as maintaining the status quo.
Path Two: End the marriage and pursue divorce or separation.
Path Three: Commit to six months of intensive couples therapy with divorce off the table, and work on improving the relationship.

Discernment counseling vs. couples therapy

Dr. William Doherty, a professor of marital and family therapy, developed discernment counseling. When he collaborated with divorce lawyers and a family court judge, he gained a deeper understanding of couple dynamics during the divorce process.

He then created discernment counseling as a way forward to address the needs and goals of “mixed agenda” couples. He based his approach on research and theory from family therapy, decision science, and motivational interviewing.

Discernment counseling accepts the uncertainty of one person or both partners, while couples therapy requires both partners to be committed and motivated to work on their relationship. Discernment counseling can help the person “leaning out” of the relationship toward separation explore their reasons for wanting to end the relationship and discuss the consequences and benefits of their decision. It can also help the other partner cope with their feelings and respect their spouse or lean out partner’s perspective.

If you are interested in discernment counseling, you should find a qualified and experienced counselor in your region. Discernment counseling is being practiced by many family therapists across the United States and in other countries. It has been endorsed by various professional organizations, such as the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP).

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The challenge of “mixed agenda” couples

Many couples face relationship issues that make them uncertain about their future together. Sometimes, one partner wants to end the marriage and seek a divorce, while the other still hopes to save the relationship and stay together. Finding a way to move together that satisfies both partners can be very challenging.

Traditional marriage or relationship counseling may not be helpful for these couples, as it assumes that both partners are committed to working on the relationship. Instead, discernment counseling may be more suitable for them.

Discernment counseling involves individual therapy and couple sessions with a trained therapist, usually a marriage and family therapist. The therapist does not take sides or try to persuade the couple to choose one option for their future. Instead, they respect each partner’s perspective and support them in their discernment counseling process, such as by listening to the leaning in and leaning out partner’s needs, feelings, frustrations, and thoughts. The therapist helps the couple communicate better and listen to each other’s concerns.

Benefits of discernment counseling

Discernment counseling sessions can help couples who are considering divorce or separation by helping them in the next chapter of their relationship to:

Avoid making a hasty or regrettable decision about their marriage.
Understand their relationship better and identify their strengths and weaknesses on the path forward.
Communicate more effectively and respectfully with each other.
Prepare for the next steps in their relationships, whether staying together or separating.
Reduce the emotional distress and conflict that often accompany marital crises.

Discernment counseling can help couples with mixed agendas cope with the stress, anxiety, anger, sadness, guilt, or confusion that they may experience during this difficult time in their relationship. It also helps them weigh the pros and cons of staying together or separating while considering the impact of the divorce process on their future. This also helps them to consider their decision’s effect on themselves, their spouse, and their children.

Limitations of discernment therapy

Discernment therapy is not going to provide a benefit for every couple who is considering contacting divorce lawyers. Its limitations may make it ineffective or inappropriate for certain situations. Some of these limitations include the following are:

It’s not a treatment for relationship issues or concerns. It does not aim to improve communication, resolve conflicts, or heal wounds, as in the case of therapy such as Imago therapy. It doesn’t provide support from mental health professionals and only helps couples decide whether to stay together or separate.

Discernment therapy requires both partners to be willing and able to participate. If one partner refuses to attend or is coerced into attending, the process will not work. Both partners must be honest and respectful of each other’s feelings and perspectives.

This type of therapy isn’t recommended for domestic violence, substance misuse, child abuse, or suicidal thoughts. These are serious issues that require immediate attention, assessment, and intervention. Discernment therapy may put the safety of the partners or their children at risk.

Discernment therapy is a short-term process that lasts between one and five sessions. It, therefore, may not provide enough time for some couples to fully explore their options and make a confident decision. Some couples seeking discernment counseling may need more support or guidance after their discernment therapy ends, such as traditional marriage counseling.

How to find a discernment counselor

If you and your partner are considering discernment counseling or divorce, you may want to know how to find a qualified therapist who can help you make the right decision. Here are some tips to guide you in your search.

Use online resources and websites to find a discernment counselor near you. For example, you can go to TherapyDen‘s advanced search page and select Discernment Counseling from the Treatment Techniques dropdown menu. You can also check the Discernment Counseling website for a list of certified discernment counselors in your area.
Ask for referrals from friends, family members, or other professionals who have gone through discernment counseling or know someone who has. They may be able to recommend a helpful and supportive therapist for them or their loved ones.
Contact potential therapists and ask them questions about their availability, fees, policies, and expectations. You can also request a consultation session to see if you feel comfortable and confident with them. Make sure you check their approach and experience in working with mixed-agenda couples.

To attend couples counseling, both partners must be willing and committed to working on their relationship. They also need to choose counseling with a therapist trained and experienced in couples therapy, such as a marriage and family therapist.

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To stay or not to stay: A final word

In this article, we have discussed how discernment counseling and couples counseling can help mixed-agenda couples who are uncertain about their relationship. Whether you are leaning out or leaning into your relationship, these forms of counseling can help you gain clarity and confidence about your decision to stay together or separate. They can also help you work on your relationship issues and improve your communication, intimacy, and satisfaction.

However, to get the most benefit out of counseling, you need to find a qualified therapist who can guide and support you in your process. Therefore, we urge you to do some research, ask for referrals, and seek out and contact potential therapists to find the best fit for you. Your relationship deserves a chance to heal and grow. Counseling can help you achieve that.

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Van Anh

With a writing and editing career that spans more than two decades, Van Anh Tran is a renowned journalist and media expert who specializes in lifestyle and health.

She is the author of "Is Mother Happy Today?" ("Hôm Nay Mẹ Có Vui Không"), a best selling book in Vietnam. It offers deep insights into the psychology of women and children.