How to feel your feelings

Feelings are an essential part of the human experience. They inform us about our internal state, needs, values, and connection to the world. However, many of us struggle with feeling our feelings. We may feel confused, overwhelmed, or ashamed by our emotions. We may try to avoid, suppress, or numb them, hoping they will disappear. But this often makes us feel worse and prevents us from living authentically and fully.

This article will explore how to feel your feelings healthily and constructively. We will guide you through identifying, naming, accepting, expressing, and regulating emotions. We will also share tips and tools to help you stay present and compassionate with yourself and others as you feel your feelings. By the end of this article, you will have a greater sense of how to embrace your emotions as a valuable and vital part of your life.

How to feel your feelings and why it matters for your mental health

Feelings are what we experience when we have emotions, which are reactions to what happens. Emotions are like signals that tell us how we see our situation and make us want to do certain things. For example, when we are scared, our body gets ready to fight or run away from danger; when we are happy, our body makes us want to get closer and interact with something good. 

Feelings can have a powerful impact on our well-being, behavior, relationships, and overall quality of life. They can help us cope with challenges, communicate our needs and desires, bond with others, and enjoy the pleasures of existence. However, they can also cause us distress, confusion, conflict, and suffering if we do not understand or manage them well.

Some feelings are pleasant and comfortable, such as happiness, love, gratitude, and excitement. Some feelings are unpleasant and uncomfortable, such as anger, sadness, fear, and shame. Some feelings are mixed and complex, such as guilt, envy, nostalgia, and curiosity. All feelings are valid and important, and none are good or bad. They are simply information we can use to guide our actions and decisions.

The Emotions Wheel: A tool to identify and express your emotions

One of the challenges of feelings is that we may not have the words to describe them precisely. We may use vague or general terms like “good” or “bad” to label our emotional state or confuse one emotion with another. For example, we may say we are angry when we are hurt or disappointed; we may say we are sad when we are lonely or bored.

A useful tool to help us identify and express our emotions is the emotions wheel, developed by psychologist Robert Plutchik, Ph.D., as a visual representation of the different types of emotions and their variations. The emotions wheel consists of eight core emotions: anger, sadness, fear, joy, surprise, disgust, trust, and anticipation. Each core emotion has several subcategories that capture the nuances and intensities of that emotion. For example, anger can range from annoyance to rage; sadness can range from disappointment to grief; joy can range from serenity to ecstasy.

The emotions wheel can help us expand our emotional vocabulary and become more aware of the specific emotions we feel at any moment. It can also help us communicate our feelings more clearly and effectively to ourselves and others. By naming our feelings with more precision and detail, we can better understand their causes and consequences and choose more appropriate responses.

How to become more emotionally aware and present

Another challenge of feeling our feelings is that we may not pay enough attention to them or notice them as they arise. We may be too busy, distracted, or preoccupied with other things to tune in to our internal experience. We may also avoid or suppress our feelings because we fear they will overwhelm us or make us feel worse.

However, ignoring or denying our feelings does not make them go away; it only makes them stronger and more persistent over time. Unfelt feelings can accumulate in our body and mind, causing physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle tension, fatigue, insomnia, and digestive problems; or mental symptoms such as anxiety, depression, irritability, low self-esteem, poor concentration, and memory loss. Unfelt feelings can also influence our behavior in unconscious or impulsive ways, such as overeating, substance abuse, procrastination, aggression, isolation, and self-harm.

The alternative to avoiding or suppressing our feelings is to become more emotionally aware and present. This means being able to recognize, acknowledge, accept, and feel our feelings as they occur without judging them or trying to change them. This also means being able to observe, describe, label, and express our feelings in healthy and constructive ways.

One way to practice emotional awareness and presence is to use mindfulness techniques, such as meditation, breathing exercises, body scans, journaling, or art. Mindfulness is the ability to pay attention to the present moment with curiosity, openness, and compassion. Mindfulness can help us slow down, focus, and connect with ourselves and our feelings.

How to process difficult and uncomfortable feelings

Some feelings are more difficult and uncomfortable than others, such as anger, sadness, fear, and shame. These feelings are often associated with negative or traumatic events like loss, abuse, rejection, betrayal, failure, or injustice. These feelings can trigger strong physical and emotional reactions, such as pain, stress, panic, guilt, or resentment. These feelings can also challenge our sense of identity, worth, safety, or belonging.

One way to process difficult and uncomfortable feelings is to use the RAIN method, developed by mindfulness teacher Tara Brach as a tool for working with difficult emotions. The RAIN method stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. This four-step process can help us deal with challenging emotions compassionately and effectively.

• Recognize: The first step is to recognize the feeling arising in us. We can ask ourselves: What am I feeling right now? Where do I feel it in my body? How does it affect my thoughts and actions?
• Allow: The second step is allowing the feeling to be there without resisting or pushing it away. We can say to ourselves: It’s okay to feel this way. I don’t have to like or agree with it, but I can let it be.
• Investigate: The third step is to investigate the feeling with curiosity and kindness. We can ask ourselves: What is this feeling trying to tell me? What is the need or desire behind it? What is the belief or story that fuels it? Is it true or helpful?
• Nurture: The fourth step is to nurture ourselves and our feeling with care and compassion. We can ask ourselves: What do I need right now? How can I comfort myself or soothe myself? How can I meet my need or desire healthily?

How to bring kindness and compassion to yourself and others

One of the benefits of feeling our feelings is that we can develop more kindness and compassion for ourselves and others. Kindness and compassion are ways of caring, understanding, and supporting ourselves and others suffering or struggling. Kindness and compassion can help us cope with our pain and difficulties and empathize with and help others who are in pain and difficulties.

One way to bring kindness and compassion to ourselves and others is to use the loving-kindness meditation. This Buddhist practice originated from the Metta Sutta, a discourse of the Buddha. The loving-kindness meditation sends positive wishes of well-being, happiness, peace, and freedom to ourselves and others. The loving-kindness meditation consists of repeating phrases such as:

• May I be happy
• May I be healthy
• May I be safe
• May I be free from suffering
• May I be filled with loving-kindness
• May I be peaceful and at ease
• May I be well in body and mind

We can start by directing these phrases to ourselves, then gradually extend them to someone we love, someone we like, someone we are neutral about, someone we have difficulty with, and finally, all beings everywhere. We can also customize these phrases according to our own needs or preferences.

The loving-kindness meditation can help us cultivate positive emotions such as gratitude, joy , appreciation, forgiveness, generosity, and trust. It can also help us reduce negative emotions such as anger, resentment, envy, fear, and hatred. It can also help us improve our relationships with ourselves and others by enhancing our connection, communication, cooperation, and harmony.

How to cultivate positive emotions and enjoy life more

Another benefit of feeling our feelings is cultivating more positive emotions and enjoying life more. Positive emotions are pleasant and comfortable to feel and have many advantages for our well-being, behavior, relationships, and overall quality of life. Positive emotions can help us:

• Boost our immune system, lower our blood pressure, reduce our inflammation, and protect us from illness
• Enhance our creativity, problem-solving, learning, memory, and performance
• Broaden our perspective, open our minds, increase our curiosity, and explore new possibilities
• Strengthen our resilience, optimism, confidence, self-esteem, and happiness
• Build our social skills, empathy, altruism, cooperation, and friendship
• Counteract the effects of negative emotions, such as stress, anxiety, depression, anger, and fear

One way to cultivate positive emotions and enjoy life more is to use the PERMA model, a framework of five elements that contribute to human flourishing developed by Martin Seligman. The PERMA model stands for Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment. The PERMA model suggests increasing our well-being by pursuing activities that generate these elements. For example:

• Positive emotions: We can seek out experiences that make us feel good, such as hobbies, entertainment, nature, art, music, humor, etc.
• Engagement: We can engage in activities that challenge and absorb us, such as hobbies, work, sports, games, learning, etc.
• Relationships: We can nurture and enjoy our relationships with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, pets, etc.
• Meaning: We can find and pursue a purpose or cause that gives us a sense of direction, contribution, and fulfillment, such as spirituality, activism, volunteering, mentoring, etc.
• Accomplishment: We can set and achieve goals that are meaningful and realistic for us, such as personal growth, career advancement, skill development, etc.

Feeling Your feelings is a human experience and a gift

The last point we want to make is that feeling our feelings is a human experience and a gift. Feelings are part of what makes us alive and unique. They enrich our existence with color, texture, depth, and diversity. They connect us with ourselves and others. They inspire us to create and explore. They teach us valuable lessons and insights. They enable us to experience the full spectrum of life, from positive feelings like joy and love to negative feelings like anger and sadness.

Feeling our feelings is not always easy or pleasant, but it is worthwhile and rewarding. By feeling our feelings, we honor ourselves and our emotions. We embrace our humanity and our potential. We celebrate our gift of being alive. 

Whether we feel angry or happy, we can learn to process our emotions healthily, such as expressing them to a friend or sitting with them quietly. We can also pay attention to the physical sensations that accompany our feelings, such as tightness in the chest or warmth in the face. We can become more aware of our emotion and what it is trying to tell us. 

We can also seek support from others who understand and empathize when facing difficult feelings. By doing these things, we can feel more comfortable with our feelings and use them as a source of strength and wisdom.